Product Descriptions: Pit Viper

 

  • Legend tells of folk heroes who wrestled the weather. They tamed the elements and beat the living daylight out of the wind. In their honor, we made the Wipeout Windshirt. When we think of you wearing this windshirt, we think of a foggy early morning on the beach. You're walking your dog, listening to Kenny Loggins on a walkman, sizing up the day’s waves. The wind is sweating as it tries its hardest to penetrate your body. But you aren't. Because you’re wearing a breathable wind shirt with the thermoregulating power of a tardigrade. A 100% Nylon body keeps your heat in, while ribbed knit necklines, waist bands, and cuffs really seal in the flavor.

  • Set aside your moisture wicking microphones, stop blowing in each other’s cartridges, and listen up. Pit Vipers aren’t just for real sports any more. 


    Our first ever blue blocking lens reduces eye strain, extending your PP for longer rounds. Their safety rated panoramic viewing field is perfect for multi monitor RPGOTPHJ gaming. Respawn in these teal frames, and you’re guaranteed to catch the eye of every virtual vixen in the realm.


    Not just for professional gamers! Also great for: sports betting, stock trading, ANALYTICS, maintaining the Matrix, swiping right on dating apps, coding a program that automatically swipes right on dating apps, and people who just really hate the color blue. 

  • Fluffy, brightly colored scrunchies that won’t tear your hair out like elastic hairbands or the stranger at the bus stop.

  • How fast can your ex get over you? Not as fast as you can ride in this Attack Bib we made with Heavy Pedal. Win them back with the padded chamois, then leave them for someone who holds your thighs just right, like these elastic leg bands do.

  • Give your friends something nice to look at while you leave ‘em in the dust. The High Speed Off Road Cycling Bib features wrap around leg panels, a straight cut leg hem, and a cloud-like chamois that perfectly cradles your you know whats. This Giordana-made bib sure boasts a playful funky pattern but don’t worry, we kept the undercarriage black for those “I should’ve been home 20 minutes ago but didn’t pedal fast enough and now I’m shitting myself” moments.

  • Finally! An alternative to riding in jeans. Super stretchy lightweight fabric and laser cut thigh ventilation set this pant apart from your starched denim centric closet. A “hook and loop” adjustment system helps accommodate a wide range of waist sizes (Taco Bell’s Party Packs are back on the menu) and articulated knee panels let you get flexible with or without knee pads. Don’t forget a hidden pocket on the right thigh for your phone, pass, or pyramid scheme business cards. Pair this futuristic tech with Pit Viper branding throughout down to the smallest button snap, and wearing pants might just be fun after all.

  • Snout segments! Schnozz supporters! Proboscis parts! NOSE PIECES! Now you’ve got backup for your blackhead blockers. Replace nose pieces that have taken a beating, or switch up your style and pick a new color that flatters your facial feature better. Available in four colors, these nose pieces fit 2000s and Polarized 2000s ONLY.

  • “Fuck, I love Pit Vipers but I hate the fact that I can’t wear them on my hands.” - You, at some point.
“Holy. Shit.” - You, right now.

    New Handup Scuba Safari Gloves. They look good, but they work good too. No performance anxiety here.
The top of the hands are a lightweight water resistant Scuba Safari print, with a single layer synthetic leather palm. A handy towel-like snot cloth on the thumb helps you wipe away sweat, blood, tears, and beer foam. Your favorite feature? A tacky silicone Full Turbo graphic that allows you to Demand Respect and Authority, while keeping a tight grip on the things that are most important to you; your handlebars and your beverages. Handup gets it. 

  • This 1996 Cadillac Fleetwood Limousine custom painted like Old Glory can’t be bought with mortal money. Our dealership only accepts cold hard Fate and Destiny. Enter to win, and see if this four wheeled fortune chooses you:


    
No purchase is necessary. Buying cool shit off our site will not increase your chance of winning, but it will increase the amount of cool shit you own.

    Need more convincing to enter a FREE contest to win a FREE limousine for FREE? Wow. Okay.

    The only bird that dares to shit on this vehicle is a Bald Eagle. Its horn would sound like America the Beautiful if we could figure out how to do that (damn). Its grill is an actual grill. Legend has it Bruce Springsteen had a foursome in the back, and that’s how the Founding Fathers were born. It fits 9 comfortably, and at least 30 if you ignore all health and safety laws. Don’t have a license? You don’t need a license to drive a limousine*

    


    *none of this can be proven true.

  • What’s red, black, and blue, and is soon to be a permanent part of your face? If you said anything other than the Peacekeeper Intimidators please see a doctor immediately.

    These ANSI Z87+ rated shades feature a supple nose piece, adjustable arms, and a large lens with blue mirror coating.